Eve of Taking the Next Step
I’m writing this as I am ‘allongé’ in my bed. It has been really a while since I have actually rested my laptop on my thighs for a writing session. There are always times for new things.
It’s already February 7, in one and a half months I will be finished with my yearlong exchange programme in Toulouse. That is unbelievable to think about, I ask myself where all the time went. That phrase is completely cliché and overused, but it holds true in my situation. I remember the preconceived ideas I had of what this school experience would be for me before my commencement, starting with that first email that I wrote on the day of my departure to Korea. I was in the SkyHarbor Airport in Phoenix, very early in the morning, and I figured that I should take advantage of the free Wi-Fi to write an inquiry about the ESC Toulouse programme. What a journey it has been since then, even excluding the Asia experience.
I’ve learned so much about myself and have experienced quite a few things in an array of areas: Adventure, Disappointment, Excitement, Elation, Fear, Frustration, Happiness, Sadness, Uncertainty, Worry, etc. Evidently, these are natural sentiments to undergo when growing up, yet they have been accentuated by encountering change, the unknown to say.
Recently, for a few weeks I would guess, I have noticed a lull in my motivation. This has led me to realize a few revelations that I was not fully aware of. Firstly, I am someone who craves the satisfaction of achieving, the feeling of surpassing the status quo, by giving my best. That is the incentive, which leads me to understand that it’s intrinsically driven. In other words, I have intrinsic motivation. However, I know now that I need things to keep it entertained, if not it risks becoming stalled. I am probably over-thinking several aspects of my life, notably the present one. As my roommate recalls, “Matthew, you put too much pressure on yourself.” This statement is absolutely true, but it’s the reason why I have done most things in my life. I am essentially somewhat disappointed in the fact that Arizona State University (ASU) will most likely not validate a number of my classes here, forcing me to follow more courses upon my return. Secondly, frustration and dissatisfaction can quite quickly dissuade me. I’m sometimes quite opposed to the way that the ESC Toulouse operates, resulting in me both losing credit approval and hence sapping motivation. I’m adopting poor habits, doing things that I never would ever in the states or Korea. For instance, I have not been reading the text for ‘Budgeting,’ opting for a ‘laissez-faire’ stance. In the US, I would never undertake such an apathetic attitude, unless I really felt that the course was a complete waste (which has not happened so far).
My brother kind of brought this subject up during his stay with me in Toulouse; it’s hard for him to find conversations and new encounters engaging unless he is really interested by the subject matter and the individual. This phenomenon may be happening to me as well, which may be the result of continuingly discussing the same subjects. A frequent example: the French always bring up the driving age in the US being so low, drinking at 21, or how bad Bush was. I agree every time with my counterpart, but of course it needs to be discussed for at least several minutes. In a sense, one could say that I am more jaded than previously. This could very well be possible. Anyway, there are always periods of emotion, I’m probably just on a little bit of a down part because of my internship search. It’s very true that us humans are constantly comparing ourselves to our peers. Furthermore, and as proven by a fiscal survey, as long as are not as wealthy as our neighbors are, we are never truly happy. I could be validating this theory by unrealistically comparing myself to the colleagues de mes alentours (around me). Most of the students with whom I study will be continuing their studies to Master’s level, and many have already procured an internship. The academic systems are incomparably different, as are the comparative contexts of internships. Nevertheless, we cannot stop ourselves from being influenced, even by the slightest degree, by the thoughts and actions of our peers.
On that note I will say good night, considering that I am simply tired and hope to make a productive day out of Saturday. We all just need to keep on keepin’ on :D/
